


The Intimacy of Suffering

by NotEvenThat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Faerie Politics, Bisexual Jace Herondale, Bruises, Canon Compliant, Fighting as a Form of Therapy, Grief/Mourning, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jace Mourns Clary, Light Violent Imagery, M/M, Magical Sparring, Making Out, Post-Episode: s03e22 All Good Things..., Post-Season/Series Finale, Sparring, Suicidal Tendencies, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 09:54:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20113189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Jace struggles to keep himself together. After losing Clary, Meliorn seems like the only thing that can manage to quiet every screaming thought in Jace's head.





	The Intimacy of Suffering

Jace pulled his fist back and then slammed it down onto the punching bag, feeling his knuckles crack under the force. Alec had taught him this, ironically enough. It was something his Parabatai had done ever since they were children when he’d get overwhelmed or frustrated. Every fight he’d ever had with their parents, every furious spat with an instructor: They’d all been marked by Alec’s blood spilling and a blazing iratze to mend it all together after, so that no one knew at all. 

Jace hadn’t seen him do it in a long time. Every once in awhile, he’d see Alec clench his hand around the blade of an arrow, feeling the bite in his palm. He never sunk his skin in though, not anymore. Maybe, he’d found a healthier way to deal with his problems. Maybe, he was just so happy with Magnus that he didn’t need to harm himself to calm down anymore. It was probably a bit of both. 

Whatever reason it was, he’d stopped doing it and now, here Jace was, standing in the training room feeling the blood drip down his broken, torn fist. He understood why Alec had done it now. He hadn’t at the time. It had always worried him so much but standing here, he got it. It was grounding. When everything else around him felt like it was falling apart, this felt real and the pain made him feel more alive than anything else had all week.

Well, not quite anything else. Jace paused for a moment, briefly entertaining the idea of stopping and going to find a familiar long-haired Seelie. He punched the bag again as the idea left him.

Meliorn was busy today. With the Queen gone, he was busy most days. Jace had asked him what happened when the Seelie Queen died and Meliorn had told him that he wasn’t sure. “We’ve only ever had one.” He’d said, “Our queen, the king- neither was ever supposed to die.” He’d explained it very simply. One was never supposed to exist without the other there but now, one was gone. More specifically, Meliorn’s one was gone. He was worried about how the Unseelie King would react. 

Yet, he’d been making time to see Jace. He’d been sympathetic to Jace’s problems, even when his world was falling apart. Granted, Jace felt like his world was falling apart too. Jace was not Meliorn’s entire world though. His destruction didn’t even compare but Meliorn still made time to see him. 

Jace had wanted to ask why he kept doing that but part of him didn’t want to know the answer. It was just sex. He was overthinking it, he knew. He always over thought everything and ended up getting hurt. That was something everyone always seemed to overlook about Jace; he could get himself hurt too. 

Besides, Jace was using Meliorn to deal with- well, everything. He knew it. Meliorn knew it. Jace had latched onto him like a leech because he was so different from anything Jace had ever had before. There wasn’t a moment that Jace spent with Meliorn that reminded him of anyone else and in a time where he couldn’t walk outside without seeing flashes of red hair and a dazzling smile he might never see again, that was more important to Jace than anything else. 

Jace was a little embarrassed to admit, even to himself, how attached he’d gotten to Meliorn over the past few weeks. He’d lost so much. He didn’t want to lose him too, even if it was just sex. 

Jace slammed his fist into the punching bag again but this time, the satisfaction he’d felt from the biting pain every other time was gone. He stood listlessly for a moment before dropping his fist with a sigh. He heard the blood trickling from his hand drip onto the training room floor.

Jace wanted to kill something or go get killed. He decided to find a boy instead. 

The park was empty and cold as the sun started to set around him. There was a chill in the air that sunk into Jace’s bones and leeched away any heat he’d had left. Jace wondered when the air had turned from the sweet warmth of summer into this and he wondered how he’d missed it.

Meliorn and him didn’t meet on a schedule. Meliorn spent most of his time in Faerie and time didn’t work there as it did here. It wasn’t like they could just choose a day and time to meet. Somehow though, one of them always found the other. Most of the time, Jace sulked around in the dark until Meliorn came. He wasn’t sure how Meliorn always knew to come find him. He was curious but he didn’t ask. He supposed it didn’t matter.

Tonight, Jace almost hoped it would take Meliorn a while to find him. He felt like he needed a moment to sit here in the dark and feel sorry for himself. He also hoped he would just show up now and silence every thought that was in Jace’s head. 

Jace didn’t know what he wanted. 

He did actually but he couldn’t have it because she was gone. Well, she wasn’t gone. She was gone from him. She was out there not remembering him at all, not missing him even a little bit. She was happy, Simon said. She was in art school again. She had friends. It didn’t make Jace feel better that she was happy. He wished it did. He wished he could stop being selfish for a moment and feel thankful that she was happy and at ease but he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. 

She was happy but she didn’t know who Jace was. She was happy but she didn’t remember any of them. She was happy but only because she didn’t know what she had lost. How could Jace be thankful for any of that? 

He was selfish. He knew he was. He wanted her back. He didn’t care about anything else, even if it made him selfish. He just wanted her back but he couldn’t have her back. 

Jace walked around aimlessly. He was acutely aware of the stele pressing into his thigh. He almost wished a demon would come jump out at him and give him something to shove his blade into. Clary had always said seeking out demons when you were upset wasn’t healthy. She was right but she wasn’t here, was she?

No demon jumped out at him. Nothing came to save him or interrupt him. Not even Meliorn came, not for a while at least. Jace found himself sitting against the base of an old tree, staring at the bridge with the portal to Faerie under it. He wondered how he’d come to do this with his night. He was a Shadowhunter and he was sitting alone in a park, waiting for a Downworlder to come and save him. It was almost poetic.

Jace must have sat there for almost an hour when he finally heard someone walking through the park, towards him. He thought it was Meliorn at first but when he listened for another moment, he realized the footfall was too heavy to be him. They walked through the park the way no Shadowhunter or Seelie would: clumsy, fast, uncaring of the announcement of their presence that they were sending out to anyone that was nearby.

Jace stilled and turned to look, his hand falling to the stele at his side without thought. He relaxed almost instantly, without any real alarm rising in his head. They were mundane. They were walking and laughing loudly. Jace’s eyes narrowed. They looked stupid. Jace knew that was mean but he also knew that it was true. They were walking through the dark with their poor vision, loud and careless. They didn’t even glance around them as they walked. Anything could jump out at them and they wouldn’t even see it coming, not like they could without having the sight anyway. 

It would be so easy to kill them and they didn’t even know it. They didn’t even realize how carelessly they’d been placed in the world around them. How many Mundane had Jace seen die simply because they’d been caught in the crossfire of a world they were ignorant to? And now, she was out there somewhere and Jace was here waiting for what, his hookup to come find him pouting in the dark? 

Jace was just about to pull himself to his feet and go- where he didn’t know- when he heard the familiar soft footsteps coming up behind him. Meliorn walked as Jace had always heard Faeries walk, like how he’d been taught in that stuffy classroom at the Institute when they’d been learning about Downworlders so long ago. He walked so softly that one had to strain their ears to really hear him coming. Jace had been taught that this was an advantage. This was a trick the Seelies played on them, to sneak up on them and wreck their terror. 

Now though, Jace heard something else in Meliorn’s footsteps. Meliorn walked and not a single leaf crumbled under his feet. He walked and Jace never heard a twig snap. Jace listened to him grow closer and he imagined his feet resting above the blades of grass harmlessly, not breaking even one in his wake. His footsteps didn’t seem malicious, they seemed considerate. Jace wondered what it would feel like to be that at ease with a part of the world.

“I didn’t expect to see you tonight.” Meliorn spoke softly from behind him, his voice echoing in the soft breeze and sighs of the night like it belonged there. 

Jace turned around to look at him. His hair was damp as if he’d been sitting out for hours collecting moisture. Jace wasn’t surprised to see the armor framing his body. That’s all he'd been wearing recently- the impending war for his people and all. Jace would have been on edge sitting here once, alone with a Downworlder clearly more heavily armed than he was. Meliorn would have every advantage if he decided to strike him, except perhaps that Jace had very little to lose. 

Now, Jace felt his stele in his pocket and he didn’t even twitch to grab it. Meliorn wouldn’t kill him but if he decided to, Jace didn’t think he’d stop him. He cracked a lopsided smile that he didn’t quite feel, “Well, I figured you must miss me by now.” 

Meliorn paused for a moment and then tilted his head to the side. It was something he did often. He never lied- he couldn’t but he would let Jace’s lies rest in the air without comment, even if that comment was a silent one. He would not point out that Jace was hiding behind a cocky facade that he didn’t feel but he wouldn’t play along either. 

Meliorn took a step forward but didn’t move any closer. They’d been making out days before but today, Jace was tense. Even his teeth were clenched in his mouth. He knew that Meliorn had noticed. His eyes darted from Jace’s tense bloodied hands to the anger in his eyes and then away. He wondered if it made Meliorn nervous to see him like this.

“It’s a lovely night.” Jace laughed. With anyone else, Jace would have assumed that Meliorn was scrambling for something to say to fill this awkward moment. Jace knew Meliorn meant the sentiment though. He looked out past them at the now empty park and he seemed to see something prettier than Jace ever could. Maybe, Jace just wasn’t in the mood to admire the world tonight. 

He nodded regardless and they lapsed into a silence that wasn’t exactly awkward or not. Maybe, it should have been awkward. Maybe, Jace was just past the point of caring. Every other time they’d met, there had been a different emotion in the air. Jace remembered Meliorn’s tongue in his mouth. He remembered staring at the sun rising over the park as his hips shot forward and his breath left him. He remembered Meliorn’s strong arms clasped around him. He remembered the cold press of his armor before Jace had taken it off of him. He remembered spit, dirt and grass and he remembered Meliorn tasting like a perfect combination of all three and something else Jace couldn’t quite place, something unmistakably Faerie. 

Jace had been horny every other time they’d met up. He’d been looking for a distraction. Jace was still looking for the second but there wasn’t even an ounce of him that felt that burning desire to grab Meliorn and press his body into him. 

Maybe, he shouldn’t have come here. 

Meliorn looked over at him curiously and stared for a moment before letting his gaze flicker away. He was probably wondering why Jace had come too. Jace didn’t have an answer for him. He didn’t have an answer for himself. “Maybe, I should-”

Meliorn cut him off before he could finish speaking. “Would you like to fight?” Jace blinked. Meliorn smirked down at him as he reached behind him, pulling the long elegant sword that rested on his back out of its sheath. He let it clatter to the ground into the grass at his feet. Before Jace could blink again, he was pulling his armor off as well, letting it fall to the ground with a surprisingly quiet thump. 

He hadn’t been able to get Meliorn half-naked that quickly any other time they'd met. Meliorn stood in the twilight wearing only tight dark shorts that had been hidden under his heavy pants. He grinned and his teeth shone in the evening light. “Come on, Herondale. Isn’t this what you live for?” 

Jace scoffed but he slowly pulled himself to his feet regardless, his arms crossed over his chest. The Shadowhunter in him couldn’t sit on the ground while someone was challenging him, even if he didn’t plan on fighting. “Meliorn, I don’t want to hurt you.” He said weakly. 

The second he said it, Meliorn grinned. He looked more like a Seelie than Jace had ever seen him, half-naked under the rising moon, grinning like he was about to rip Jace’s throat from his neck and enjoy every second of it. Meliorn dove for Jace without another moment of hesitation and before Jace could even start to raise his hands to protect himself, Jace found himself flat on his ass, sprawled out on the cold hard ground. 

He pulled himself to his feet and Meliorn’s grin settled into a cocky, pleased smirk. Jace hesitated for just a moment before launching himself at him. He missed and once again found himself on the ground, with Meliorn standing safely a few feet away, that same insufferable grin on his face.

Jace pulled himself to his feet and dove at him one more time. He hit the ground just as quickly and for a moment, his vision was blinded by stars. He dragged air back into his lungs and stared at the dark sky above him. He dragged himself back to his feet again and stared at Meliorn. 

He was beautiful. It was hard for Jace to say it, even to himself, but he was. Meliorn looked more beautiful now that Jace had ever seen him. His hair, tousled from the wind, a mess on his head. His eyes, bright, waiting, excited. For the first time, he reminded Jace of someone else, someone who has stood over him in the training room, her wild red hair and eager, passionate eyes. Meliorn was supposed to be Jace’s solace from her but right then, Jace thought the two were more alike than he’d realized. Perhaps, that's why Jace liked him. 

Jace chuckled, low in his throat. It wasn’t really funny. “It’s funny you know.” He said, brushing the dirt from his pants. He could feel a bruise rising on his back. Meliorn hadn’t been easy with him and Jace found the pain more comforting than he thought he should have. “I think you two would have liked each other, if she’d still been here. I know you met but I mean- If you had really gotten to know each other.” 

Meliorn’s eyes softened for a moment, that excited grin fading into something else. He nodded. Neither of them needed to clarify who they were talking about. “I think we would have too.” 

“She would have been able to kick your ass.” Jace said instantly, smiling at the thought. It was the first genuine smile he'd managed all week. 

“Are you saying she was a better fighter than you?” Meliorn countered, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.” Jace didn’t hesitate. “She was.” He opened his mouth to correct himself. The past tense felt painful and raw in his mouth. He’s said _ was _ but she wasn’t gone. Not completely. He couldn't bring himself to fix it though. She _ was _ a good fighter. Whoever Clary was now, Jace knew that that was gone from her, along with any trace of Jace or the life they’d shared together. Jace smiled a bitter, sad grimace of an expression. “I guess I better train more, huh?”

Meliorn nodded slowly and smiled back. “I guess so.” He echoed, his mouth tilting up in a somber expression.

Jace dove at Meliorn again, a laugh bubble on his lips as Meliorn jumped out of the way. This time, Jace stayed on his feet and Meliorn’s eyes widened. Jace loved sparring. It was intimate, in the same way that sex was. When you were sparring with someone, you were both at your barest, acting on instinct, fueled with adrenaline and emotion. The only reason Alec and him had become Parabatai was because Alec had asked if he wanted to spar. Izzy and him had bonded for the first time over sparring. When Max was only enough, even they’d bonded over this. Jace imagined that a lot of relationships started in their world over this.

Jace hadn’t felt more alive in months than he did with Meliorn’s magic, throwing him up into the air as he struggled to try and twist around and right himself before he hit the ground again. 

Hours later, Jace found himself sprawled in the grass with Meliorn’s lips pressing into his. He tasted like dirt, blood and sweat. He tasted familiar. He didn’t realize it in that moment, but for the first time since he’d last found himself there with Meliorn, Jace’s mind went silent. He didn’t think of Clary. He didn’t think about how Alec must be blowing up his phone. He just parted his lips and let Meliorn’s thin tongue slide into his mouth. 

Jace was very late for patrol the next morning but even then, he walked into the Institute with his head a little clearer than it had been before and he found it hard to care. 


End file.
